Marriage, matrimony, wedlock, call it by any name – it is said there is one made for each one of us. But made where, in heaven? Nevertheless, wherever marriages are made, they are definitely conducted on our planet, and affirmations are taken from heaven with the use of a Dial-O-Heaven service called Kundli/Horoscope matching. As if, looking at your kundlis these pandits are able to catch up telepathically with the Heads of Heaven and confirm whether there is a reservation for a nuptial-table for two of you together or not, pun intended.
Not sure about Kundli matching but one thing is true that Marriage is a divine institution in which two people unite together as one and share everything that life throws at them – challenges, responsibilities, disappointments, duties, burdens, happiness, sadness, and the list goes on. The beauty of marriage is that there is nothing like “yours and mine” between nuptial couples. From their bodies, children, other family relationships, to earnings and expenses – everything is united.
But what if you are unmarried for any reason or no reason at all, and you’re in your late 20’s and early 30’s? Do all the puns, taunts and comments from the nukkad and padosan aunties, friends, relatives or even total strangers come to life in your head now?
It’s not easy belonging to an intensely opinionated species on this planet, right?
“When would you stop coming to people’s weddings alone, when is your number?”
“You are so talented and beautiful / handsome, wasn’t there anyone in your school or work whom you liked?”
“Tu viaah nahi karana hunn?”
“Pata nahi kaisi kismat hai iski, behanji?”
“He/she is almost 30, don’t know kya chakkar hai, still single.”
“Are you crazy, you should get married on time”, Uh time?, “your biological clock is ticking”
“Stop being so picky, you don’t get everything, just get married.”
“Oh you are still single, why didn’t you get married”
“Hang out more often yaar, get life, get married.”
Does any of these sound familiar? There is no stopping to these awkward comments.
There are couples who are happily married and couples who got divorced. There are also couples who got married, failed & yet still together, suffering from the disease of “log kya kahege”. Were they better off single?
Let’s talk about the unmarried class! Did God forget to write about their wedding knots in their fate lines? Such unweds can be those who themselves don’t want to be tied-up in a nuptial knot for whatever reasons, such as fear of losing independence, or inability to remain faithful and monogamous to one partner. It’s good that these lotharios and lolitas choose to stay single as this would avoid heartaches to many people. Then what about those who want to find love, get hitched and yet sorrowfully remain single?
Some people are everything- a complete package! They are good looking, talented, intelligent, well natured, have great sense of humour and make a lot of moolah, yet still single. Even if they find love, their love story never reaches the desired end. So, what’s it that is wrong? For them, it seems like Eros and Hymenaius (One is God of Love and the other is God of Marriage, as per Greek Mythology) are never on the same page. They hit the late 20’s or even late 30’s being single, and the entire society gets someone to form comments and opinions about. Well, this keeps padosan aunties busy with at least something! :p
But…. Beware of them!!
The answer to what’s wrong is – there is nothing wrong (with you and them)!
Even though I am not a believer of fate, I believe that one’s life is the result of one’s actions, but here, I do feel marriages are made in heaven. It is all written and we are all predestined for it – it could be all good and fun whether you were hitched early in life or late, and also, there could be nothing in store except the mess for some. Other times God may even completely forget to write about someone’s marriage. Why? Only he knows! Think this way – you found love, you’re doing everything right in your relationship, but your partner doesn’t act right- the relationship fails even long before you could think about tying the knot.
Society kicks in with all the judgemental comments and sarcasm they have in store for you. With many failed relationships, your family starts pushing you for an arranged set-up, which may not be your cup of tea. Let’s get it straight, we live in the 21st century. We neither want to spend the rest of our lives with someone we don’t know, nor we want to spend our lives trying to figure out the grounds of compatibility with an unknown life partner. Of course, there is a courtship period, but when it is arranged by families, there is a tendency that couples mask their natural personalities and masquerade as someone else to conform to family pressure and make the relationship look compatible. And the result of such marriage is of course not good!
Ruling out ‘the fate’ for those who don’t believe in it, why marriage on cards still seems difficult for many? Again, it’s not you! It is hard to find ‘marriage material’ these days for some people like us. Here is the list of types of people dating whom your plans of getting hitched may go down in flames, instead of you both going around the flames (I mean the 7 trips around the sacred fire, pun intended) (◔_◔)
Insatiable and Unappeasable!
For singles, you may be crossing paths and getting attracted to the ‘labeled’ bad guys and girls. These are the lotharios and lolitas who have commitment issues and want to keep their options open. They constantly keep looking for someone better and this search never ends. They are never satisfied with what or who they have, this is why they don’t want to be exclusive with you. Here is a tip to take home. Find someone who knows that nobody is perfect, someone who graciously accepts your virtues and loves you with all your flaws, who becomes your strength and completes you where you are lacking.
Adulterer (Aka Cheaters!)
So you are in a happy relationship thinking you have found your soulmate this time who claims to love every bit of you, but then one day it all scatters like a pile of cards. What changes unexpectedly? Many lovers have been betrayed by their partners with infidelity. Infidelity is a murky zone which is detrimental to any relationship and ranges from a one-night stand to emotional entanglement with someone without anything sexual. It leaves the victims helpless, damaged and feeling worthless. Even after they renew themselves and come out with self-confidence, their trust is still obliterated which still affects their ability or willingness to enter new relationships or even marriage.
Control freaks! (Aka perfectionists in their language)
The thing with dating control freaks is that you will not know something is wrong until you have completely invested in this person, or in other words, until it is too late. Many people are great in reading red flags early in the relationship, but most of us are not. Does your special someone isolate you from your loved ones indirectly using romantic and emotional tactics? Or have you always been blamed for all the mistakes and it’s never their fault? Are they jealous and possessive, or undermine or cripple you? Do they take decisions for you even the trivial ones? And whatever they do, the reason is they are doing so out of love for you and to make you a better person. People dating control freaks sooner or later start seeing their independence at sake and feel suffocated. Eventually they have to take the plunge and quit the relationship irrespective of how much they adore the other person. They have to move forward alone for the sake of their mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.
You come across someone who on the surface seems to be everything you are looking for in a person. You start talking to them, enter into a relationship only to explore that the story doesn’t match with the cover of the book you ought to read. So, it all starts over great, feeling head over heels for your partner until the sensual lovey-dovey honeymoon period of the relationship ends and the reality kicks in. During this ‘falling in love’ phase, couples are high on oxytocin, they don’t feel any insecurities or have any disagreements in their relationship, but eventually when the filters go down, you see the imperfect person in front of you. As per the law of gravity, everything that goes up must come down. This is the time where couples can either break up or grow even stronger. Only the people who are really down for you each other will make it through.
We, human beings, are so rigid in our thought process (which is the result of our long rearing – why we feel certain ways), that after a certain point in life, for example, say late 20’s and early 30’s, we become unable to bend, mold or change for someone else. The very basic of every relationship or marriage is the ability to adapt and sacrifice, which is a two way street. If one of them fails, they both fail and thus, the relationship fails too.
Marriage has been viewed as a kind of ‘necessity’. In our Indian culture, it was always expected that one should get married in early 20s, or latest by late 20s. When someone didn’t, they were often viewed as freakish oddities or misfits or something along those lines in society.
But the trend has started to change now. These retrograded beliefs are slowly getting dissipated. People are now understanding and accepting that marriage is not the only thing required for a person’s well-being. Of course, marriage is a wonderful thing when done with the right partner, who enhances your life and adds much more value to it, but it is not the only thing.
So if you are single, in your late 20s or even late 30s, and unable to turn a companionship or relationship into a successful union/marriage, IT IS OK. It doesn’t mean that you are less worthy or less responsible than your happily married counterparts. One should not get married under the influence of family or societal pressure, or to overcome the hurt of the past relationships, or merely because of the fear of being alone. Compromised marriages don’t last long. One should only get married when you are not only ready but also feel that you and your potential partner have similar core values, worldviews and similar vision for your future together. Otherwise, staying single is a better choice than dealing with all the emotional exertion one goes through in a wrong marriage.
Marriage may not be for everyone and neither every one of us needs to get married!
What do you think? Share your views and/or experiences in the comment box below.